The Tyranny of the Gift

By John M Oldham MD

Recently a piece appeared in the Medical Examiner section of Slate newsletter entitled “Why Being Generous Can Destroy a Relationship” (https://slate.com/technology/2025/03/generosity-gifts-backfire-downside-relationships.html). The author, psychologist Sarah Gundle, described saying to a patient: “You gave too much—it made them hate you.” She referred to this behavior pattern as “the tyranny of the gift” or “the burden of generosity.” The essence of this all-too-familiar dynamic is that the relationship gets out of balance. The gift-giver, a fount of generosity, may unwittingly be making deposits in the receiver’s emotional bank. “You owe me, look what I’ve done for you.” On the flip side, the often unsaid response may be: “I didn’t ask you to do all those things, you just make me feel guilty.” Unless these grievances get recognized and put on the table, the relationship may fall apart, often with bitterness and lack of understanding.

In the language of npsp25, persons with high scores on the “Devoted” style may be most likely to experience the burden of generosity. Naturally suited to be deferential, considerate, and cooperative, devoted types are eager to please. They often feel at home as members of a group dedicated to the welfare of others. And they can become loyal followers of admired individuals in their lives. But in the npsp25 Continuum, the extreme of this style is the Dependent Personality Disorder. Then, being devoted becomes being overly needy for advice, reassurance, support, and approval. They do too much for those they depend on. Lack of confidence leads to an inability to express an independent opinion or to disagree with those they rely on. Their attachment intensity can feel suffocating, and they risk being pushed away, the very thing they fear most. When things get to this point, it’s time to seek the help of a mental health professional.

John M. Oldham, M.D., & Lois B. Morris

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