Gray Rocking

  • July 21, 2024
  • General

by John M Oldham MD

I recently came across a term that was new to me:  “gray rocking.”  It refers to a behavioral strategy of being deliberately nonresponsive—being stone-faced, if you will.  Nonresponding in a colorless, expressionless fashion, like a gray rock.  It’s a conscious choice not to get rattled by someone who likes to get under your skin.  Someone who can be an obnoxious self-important braggart.  But who also thrives on put-downs, on showing you up, on demonstrating superiority—especially if there’s an audience.  Instead of getting rattled, angry and defensive or becoming visibly hurt, you react with a yawn, act bored, or shrug.

Last year, a CNN online “Mindfulness” column was headlined “How being a ‘gray rock’ can protect you against narcissists” (https://www.cnn.com/2023/08/04/health/gray-rocking-narcissism-wellness/index.html).  The reporter quoted a Harvard psychologist, Craig Malkin, who described several types of narcissists, including overt ones (arrogant and self-important) and covert ones (grand sufferers beset by woes).  In either case, the narcissistic individual thrives on being admired, certainly not ignored, so if boredom is the response, he or she may move on.  Not to expect your unresponsiveness to change the person, but it may just get you out of the crosshairs.  More recently, a piece in the NY Times was entitled “Narcissism is a trait that’s hard to shake, study says” (nytimes.com/2024/07/11well/mind/narcissism-age-empathy.html).  Researchers reviewed 51 published studies with more than 37,000 participants, looking at how narcissism changes over the life span.  Bottom line: yes, the trait of narcissism does gradually decline over time, but that means over decades, and not very much.  In this report, as well, gray rocking is mentioned as a strategy to deal with an insufferably self-important attention-seeker, but mostly “in the moment.”  With luck, you’ll be scratched off the person’s “important people to impress” list.

This is all interesting to think about, but don’t forget that there are all kinds of narcissistic personality traits, some of which can be quite positive.  In the language of NPSP25, we describe the non-pathological style in this general realm as the Self-Confident style.  Self-confident people may have a generous helping of what we call “healthy narcissism,” which can be channeled into a productive life.  On the other end of the spectrum, however, is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and when self-confidence shades into grandiosity, omnipotence, and disregard for others, serious impairment in functioning is inevitable, and professional help is in order.