Difficult People

By John M Oldham MD

By chance I came across an interesting website at Harvard Law School called the “Program on Negotiation” (https://www.pon.harvard.edu/), which is an educational effort focusing on interpersonal negotiation skills. Among the many available resources on the website is a free report entitled “Dealing with Difficult People.” Mostly geared for the high-end workplace, the report offers advice about getting along with the heavy-handed boss or the self-important colleague. A similar website from Canada is called “Achieve, Centre for Leadership.” In its section on conflict resolution, there is a piece entitled “6 Tips for Dealing with a Difficult Person” (https://achievecentre.com/blog/6-tips-for-dealing-with-a-difficult-person/). These tips are useful, such as discouraging pre-judging (or “character-assassinating”) the other person, and encouraging empathy (trying to see things through the other person’s eyes).

So who are these “difficult people”? Do they all have personality disorders? That could be the case, of course, but it’s not the most likely possibility. Consider the principles behind the NPSP25 Personality Styles/Personality Disorders Continuum. Each of us has a unique combination of styles, some more prominent than others. If a given style is “off the chart” it can lead to problems, even though there is not sufficient impairment in functioning to constitute a disorder. Consider the Self-Confident Style, characterized by self-assurance, ambition, competitiveness, and other traits—all of which are generally ingredients of success. But if someone has these and similar features in spades, he or she might come across as “high and mighty” or “my way or the highway.” Then, at least some of the time, these behaviors can be the rough edges we come to expect in these, well, difficult people. Usually, thankfully, there are saving graces among the person’s other characteristics so that entitlement can recede and other people in the room can be noticed and appreciated. Not a personality disorder, just being difficult, but not all of the time! In the The New Personality Self-Portrait, the text upon which NPSP25 is based, there are tips on dealing with individuals who have particular styles that can, at times, be overbearing, as well as exercises on how to strengthen styles you might like to have more of. This guidance is also found in the “Six Domains of Functioning” narrative in each test-taker’s interpretation guide on the website.

John M. Oldham, M.D., & Lois B. Morris

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